Important Life Lessons from Apartment #5

Well, we have had quite the eventful weekend here in our little home. But, looking at it all...optimistically, we have definitely learned some very important life lessons. DO continue reading if you are thinking about getting an apartment, will be starting college soon, are moving in with new people, considering having one more beer, or debating hosting parties. DO NOT read if you are my mother, because you will judge me and you know I am a wonderful daughter that makes good choices. With that being said, here come the wonderful stories!

The weekend kicked off with one roommate, the official owner of Esteban (the cat previously known as Jon Cougar Mellancat), leaving for Philadelphia for a week. Being a loving cat owner, he of course cleaned out the litter box before leaving. Maybe I shouldn’t say of course, but that’s another story. Anyway, if you were wondering how we were certain he cleaned it out, then you’re one step ahead of me! You see, the contents of said litter box were placed in a plastic grocery bag and left on the floor, for us to discover the next day. The word “shitbagger” comes to mind. But, if you know the roommate, it’s hard to hate him. Unless you’re our landlord. But, again, that’s another story.

Saturday night, after making lots of things, showering, making more things, and watching CSI, I was about to go to bed when my roommate brought her boyfriend over along with a couple friends. They were out in the living room having a beer or two... And I went to bed. Sunday morning I wake up, and go to the bathroom to find oodles of bathroom cleaners on the sink counter. In fact, there were cleaners out all over the place. I’m pretty sure that anything with chemicals that is usually kept under the sink was on display somewhere in our apartment. At first I figured my roommate had one of her cleaning fits again, which I absolutely don’t mind. Except she was asleep. Everyone had found a couch to crash on. So I left for church and didn’t worry about it. She always takes care of any messes she makes, so why worry?

When I came back for church (see, Mom! I do make good choices! And I knew you would keep reading...), I found Vanesa in the living room, cleaning a table and the rug. Beer spill? No. She didn’t want to tell me at first because a) she was too mad to speak coherently, and b) I would be just as mad, which I had every right to be. What could be so terrible?

Well, Vanesa, who originally fell asleep on the floor, woke up in the middle of the night due to some...liquid dripping on her leg. She follows said liquid up the table it’s spilling off of, and to the guy who’s peeing on the table. Yep, he peed on the table. But that’s not all! A while later, Vanesa woke up and began walking to the bathroom (like most intelligent people do), where she discovered a poop that she described as “monstrous” on the floor. Across from the toilet.

CAN WE JUST RECAP HERE FOR A SECOND!?!

In order to poop where he did, he pretty much had to prop himself up against the wall. (See, Mom, I warned you.) This does no good for the argument that most men are uncivilized. Just saying.

After soaking nearly every surface of our apartment in rubbing alcohol, bleach, and various other chemicals (with the windows open, Mom!), today I walked into the bathroom, wearing shoes, of course, to discover a silverfish. Now, if you haven’t lived in an old apartment, you might not know what these creatures are. Google them. I dare you. They’re terrifying. They look like the prehistoric relative of the centipede. Scared now? Anyway, they also run incredibly fast, making them incredibly difficult to kill. So, I called Vanesa over, where we stared at it intently deciding on how to make the kill. Remembering an old trick my grandma taught me, I shouted out “HAIRSPRAY!” Except a) that only makes the wings stick together for flying insects so they drop, and b) the hairspray was in my bedroom. Not handy. But there was a can of Lysol there! Kills 99.9% of germs...AND SILVERFISH! That’s right. Spray that sucker and it dies and stays on the wall for you to easily scrape off and flush. Done.

So what have we learned here today?

1. If you clean the cat’s litter box, you do not need to save the poop for sentimental reasons. Dispose of it immediately.
2. If you are at a friend-in-law’s apartment, do not go for that extra beer. You do not want to look like a jerk.
3. Do not welcome people into your home if you do not know how they act under the influence of alcohol.
4. Alcohol can make you do some very, very, very stupid things. Understand, kids?
5. If you decide to “mark your territory” in someone else’s home, YOU should be the one to clean it up. You should also be incredibly apologetic. And you probably should not go there ever again, because you’re probably not welcome.
6. It probably takes way less effort to sit on the toilet seat.
7. Rubbing alcohol and bleach at least make things smell clean, despite that mental image you may be stuck with...
8. Lysol kills silverfish!

The End.

PS. Tomorrow I'll be back to share a whole slew of wonderful things I've been making.


>>>>UPDATE!!!
Apparently drunken friend-in-laws are not the only ones that feel the need to poop on the floor. Now the cat joined in!


(Never going barefoot in my apartment outside of my room again.)