I have so many stressful dreams. Either that, or I'm so tired that I don't recall dreaming anything. And when I do, it often involves running and screaming, for one reason or another. But when I can't run when I'm awake, and I'm afraid of screaming. Last night I was frustrated. Over so many things. So I went running with a couple of my friends, barefoot, on a football field. Never in my life have I run a mile without stopping, either because I had no incentive to, no endurance, or, when I finally had the incentive to work up my endurance, reallybadknees. Even walking too much hurts them, and running is so much worse. But I was told that running barefoot on soft surfaces, like grass, is much easier on your knees. And I like being barefoot and I like running on grass. So I went. And I kept going. And I went over a mile without stopping. And then I made up constellations and thought about Nicholas.
Sometimes I feel so lost and out of place. My ideas and morals don't line up with those of others. And I worry that they'll have an effect on me. Sad things have happened for my school this week. We have a small, close knit community, and our hearts go out to our peers who are suffering, and their families that are affected. But lately, it seems like the one that's getting more attention is so superficial. I don't want to think like that. I don't want to be greedy or selfish. I want to love people and not things.
When I was little, my grandma was really into genealogy, and told me about some long lost relative who faked his own death by putting chicken blood on his hat and floating it down a river so he could go off and be a hermit. It always seemed so silly to me, but now I understand. I wouldn't mind living in the mountains, caring for a sheep named Beatrice and making gifts for people. I wouldn't mind if Nicholas lived there too and we made up new constellations every night.
I decided a while ago that I hate capitalism. While I liked the idea that those who work hard earn more, we're only human, and humans are greedy, so the system gets messed up. But so many other -isms only allow for the system to be abused. I believe in gift economies. Give to others, and others will give to you, and it will all end up working out. But for some reason, we always expect something in return. If one day, after I graduated from CIA, I earned a grant to make art, I would spend the money making gifts for people. For now, I'm spending my money on rent, utilities, food, school/art supplies, and the occasional cardigan. And you know, I'm happy with that. Even though I have loans that I'll be paying for until I start collecting social security. Even though I don't own an iTouch or an iPad or an iPhone or any smart phone or a MacBook Air or a 5D Mark II or that $2400 tilt shift lens I am in love with. Because I am perfectly content with sitting at the bus stop using rocks to draw on the sidewalks. I could be happy on a desert island without anything, except maybe Beatrice the sheep, so I could make things with her wool. And I think this means I'm successful.